Dear Tayech,
Today your son turns one.
I went into his room this morning to his smiling face and I thought of you. I picked him up and kissed his face and thought of you. He nuzzled his head into the crook of my neck and I thought of you. I tickled his piggies and he giggled and I thought of you.
Somewhere across the world, you are well into your day but I wondered if you woke up this morning with the same thought, "Today is his birthday." I wondered if you smile or cry or push the feelings down and stay busy so as to not think about it. I wonder how you're doing. I wonder if you can think comfortably about your boy or if it still brings painful memories. I wonder if you imagine him in my home, in my arms, in our family. I wonder if you are thriving or surviving. I wonder if your family has taken you back.
I've spent the last few months writing letters to birthmoms and sending pictures and highlights and words that I hope convey how wanted and loved our kids are. I did not realize how much these letters meant to me before my Ethiopian babes came along. These letters allow me to once again reflect on my kid's stories...of how they grew in you and how they are growing up with me. I get to share their successes, their funny moments, their struggles, their lives, their faces. This is not the case with you, Tayech. There is no mailbox. There is no email address. There is nowhere to send a letter.
So, I write this knowing you will not read it today. But it feels like it should be written. It feels like you should now how your "gift from God" is doing. And I want you to know this:
HE IS AMAZING.
I wondered how the adjustment of starting over with a little one would go. I wasn't quite sure I was ready to start over at baby stage. I've been looking around and there are less moms my age who are pregnant or getting up for nightly feedings. But here's the thing. I love this baby and being with this baby and everything about this baby stage. I love that he loves spatulas and big plastic bowls. I love that he starts jumping up and down in his crib when I walk into the room. I love that his two words are "mama" and "dada." I love that he comes to me, wanting me to hold him, to comfort him, to play with him. I love that he hangs out at my legs sucking on my pants. I love that he is speed racer when his dad walks in the door. I love that his favorite thing is getting placed in between his two parents and literally getting squished between us.
HE IS STRONG.
When we came home, this boy was small and his legs were thin and his belly was big. His vitamin levels were out of whack. His kidneys were acting weird. His head had that perpetual orphanage fungus on it. He was puking over every. inch. of. my. house.
And it is all better. He is healthy. He is rounding out. He's getting teeth. He loves food. He is a speed walker.
HE IS HAPPY AND HE BRINGS HAPPINESS.
This boy is content. He smiles easily and bounces when he's excited. He bangs on everything with joy. He coos and talks and plays. He can turn a scowling nine year old into a affectionate little mother. He turns an active four year old into a gentle spirit. I watch his daddy look at him and I can see how thrilled they both are with each other. And my heart....it is full. Brimming. Overflowing.
But mostly I want you to know this:
HE IS LOVED.
And he will ALWAYS be loved.
Thank you, Tayech, for this child. For bringing him into the world despite a very difficult life situation. For giving him a chance. For making a sacrifice.
For giving him a birthday.
Today your son turns one.
I went into his room this morning to his smiling face and I thought of you. I picked him up and kissed his face and thought of you. He nuzzled his head into the crook of my neck and I thought of you. I tickled his piggies and he giggled and I thought of you.
Somewhere across the world, you are well into your day but I wondered if you woke up this morning with the same thought, "Today is his birthday." I wondered if you smile or cry or push the feelings down and stay busy so as to not think about it. I wonder how you're doing. I wonder if you can think comfortably about your boy or if it still brings painful memories. I wonder if you imagine him in my home, in my arms, in our family. I wonder if you are thriving or surviving. I wonder if your family has taken you back.
I've spent the last few months writing letters to birthmoms and sending pictures and highlights and words that I hope convey how wanted and loved our kids are. I did not realize how much these letters meant to me before my Ethiopian babes came along. These letters allow me to once again reflect on my kid's stories...of how they grew in you and how they are growing up with me. I get to share their successes, their funny moments, their struggles, their lives, their faces. This is not the case with you, Tayech. There is no mailbox. There is no email address. There is nowhere to send a letter.
So, I write this knowing you will not read it today. But it feels like it should be written. It feels like you should now how your "gift from God" is doing. And I want you to know this:
HE IS AMAZING.
I wondered how the adjustment of starting over with a little one would go. I wasn't quite sure I was ready to start over at baby stage. I've been looking around and there are less moms my age who are pregnant or getting up for nightly feedings. But here's the thing. I love this baby and being with this baby and everything about this baby stage. I love that he loves spatulas and big plastic bowls. I love that he starts jumping up and down in his crib when I walk into the room. I love that his two words are "mama" and "dada." I love that he comes to me, wanting me to hold him, to comfort him, to play with him. I love that he hangs out at my legs sucking on my pants. I love that he is speed racer when his dad walks in the door. I love that his favorite thing is getting placed in between his two parents and literally getting squished between us.
HE IS STRONG.
When we came home, this boy was small and his legs were thin and his belly was big. His vitamin levels were out of whack. His kidneys were acting weird. His head had that perpetual orphanage fungus on it. He was puking over every. inch. of. my. house.
And it is all better. He is healthy. He is rounding out. He's getting teeth. He loves food. He is a speed walker.
HE IS HAPPY AND HE BRINGS HAPPINESS.
This boy is content. He smiles easily and bounces when he's excited. He bangs on everything with joy. He coos and talks and plays. He can turn a scowling nine year old into a affectionate little mother. He turns an active four year old into a gentle spirit. I watch his daddy look at him and I can see how thrilled they both are with each other. And my heart....it is full. Brimming. Overflowing.
But mostly I want you to know this:
HE IS LOVED.
And he will ALWAYS be loved.
Thank you, Tayech, for this child. For bringing him into the world despite a very difficult life situation. For giving him a chance. For making a sacrifice.
For giving him a birthday.
