We’ve gotten a week
full of photos of our little nugget. For some reason that just fits him….little
nugget. I might need to feed him
straight butter when he gets home just to give him some survival capacity in
this house full of bigger kids. These photos
are introducing me to my son. I’ve seen
him in a Christmas velour outfit. I’ve
seen him with curls and after a fresh buzz cut.
I’ve seen his skinny lower legs.
I’ve seen that birthmark on his Ethiopian forehead. And I think at some point, a swarm of
mosquitos may have snacked on his little face….and he must have been delicious
by the looks of things. I’ve seen him
held in the arms of a nanny smiling at him and pinching his little cheeks while
drool runs down his chin. And the latest
one has him holding a Happy Mother’s Day
sign. I’ve seen his expressions. He’s been smiling. He’s been crying. He’s been confused and uncomfortable and then
the total opposite. I’m getting to know
him one picture at a time.
Friday was another unexpected day. This time it brought news of travel plans
moving up. I first sat down and re-read
the email. Expect to travel between June
3 and 30. Here is a brief snapshot of
what ensued. First, I told Warner. I wandered around the house feeling like this
morning just suddenly needed to be very productive, but not exactly sure in
what way. So two munchkins and I got in
the car and went to the greenhouse….because potted plants are VERY important at
a time like this….and we maybe got lost on the way even though I’ve been there
many times before. And maybe I ate an
entire bag of chocolate covered pretzels.
We’ve got a lot going on right now. We’re building a house. I spend hours deciding on light fixtures and
carpet and paint chips and then running to the plumber and then to the cabinet
place and then back to the plumber. Oh,
and my husband is starting another farm.
And we’ll be moving in a few months and I don’t have a bed for Eden and
school is coming to a close with field trips and end of school stuff. And then I will have three energetic children
to keep busy while packing for trips to Ethiopia in between dealing with
cottage rentals. And then…..
But, I’m ready for this nugget. Friday’s news was great news. I am excited to meet him….the living,
breathing him. Friday’s news was like a
salve to my heart that already recognizes Judah as my son and knows the sooner
he’s home, the better. I’m going to rest
in God’s timing. I’M GOING TO REST IN
GOD’S TIMING.
But, he’s totally messing with me.
I know though that some read our news with mixed
emotions. I know some have been
waiting….and waiting. And I know how
hard that it is. I have waited. Over the last 11 years, I have spent 8 of
them waiting for one of my children.
I’ve drifted between spells of great peace and surrender, hands
uplifted, turning the wait over to the One in charge. This quickly followed up by brow-beating,
hands-clenched, tears flowing with covers pulled up over my head wondering,
“Why? Why? WHY??” And then my
favorite….organizing cupboards and closets and boxes of toys with a label maker
because it makes me feel like I have control over one little corner of my
life. Waiting isn’t for pansies, people.
Can I just say to those of you waiting on something or
someone that.... MY HEART KNOWS. I share in
your longing. I have been there. I have watched friends birth two or three
children while I waited for my first. I
have sat through baby showers with a hurting heart and smile on my face. I have wondered why if children are a
blessing from the Lord, why isn’t he blessing me? I have tried to figure out what the “lesson”
I need to learn might be. I have hugged
those who traveled to far off places to bring home little brown babies SO
WANTING TO DO THAT and knowing that my husband wasn’t ready. I have closed the door to the nursery because
some days were just that hard. I have
cried out, “WHERE ARE YOU? I THOUGHT YOU
CALLED ME TO THIS! WHY AREN’T YOU MAKING THIS HAPPEN? ”
I don’t know all the reasons for the wait. But it
has strengthened my character, faith, and passion. It has
given me opportunity to come alongside others drifting in a similar boat and
say, “Keep rowing. These waves will
settle.” It turned the idea of being a
mom into a longing for a child. It has focused my attention on a world in need
of redemption. It has made me rethink my values, my needs, my
wants, my pride. It has forced me to
give up control. And ultimately I give
you four, solid, undeniably clear and amazingly perfect reasons for my wait:
Hannah.
Luke.
Eden.
And now Judah.
Oh the beauty of retrospect.
For whatever reason, these children ended up in my bed on a Saturday
morning fighting over who can get the closest to their mom. I cannot wait to see what enfolds. What is it about me that God gave me these
kids? For what future purpose? What will be accomplished through them
because of this home? And here’s the
thing. It doesn’t matter if I ever even
know. God doesn’t have to fill me
in. I just trust there is a reason. And for that, I would wait and wait all over
again.
Over the last few months, a few songs have grounded me. They’ve changed my anxious thoughts into moments
of praise. They’ve reminded me of my
Focus. They’ve soothed the soul. These are some of my favorite lines:
I am the Lord your God.
I go before you now.
I stand beside you.
And I’m all around you.
Though you feel I’m far away,
I’m closer than your breath.
And I am with you
More than you know.
I am the Lord your Peace.
No evil will conquer you.
So steady now your hearts and mind.
Come into my rest.
And oh let your faith arise.
And lift up your weary head.
I am with you
Wherever you go.
Come to me.
I’m all you need.
Come to me.
I’m everything.
Come to me.
I’m all you need.
Come to me.
I’m your everything.
I am your anchor
In the wind and the waves.
And I am your steadfast
So don’t be afraid.
Though your heart and flesh may fail you.
I’m your faithful strength.
And I am with you
Wherever you go.
Come to me.
I’m all you need.
(Come To Me,
by Jenn Johnson)….give it a
listen. It’s way better when she sings
it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sY0Vz8fvIhE
May our eyes stay fixed on Him, waiters. I’m fist pumping my chest in solidarity.
