Pansies Welcome Here.

We’ve gotten a week full of photos of our little nugget.   For some reason that just fits him….little nugget.  I might need to feed him straight butter when he gets home just to give him some survival capacity in this house full of bigger kids.  These photos are introducing me to my son.  I’ve seen him in a Christmas velour outfit.  I’ve seen him with curls and after a fresh buzz cut.  I’ve seen his skinny lower legs.  I’ve seen that birthmark on his Ethiopian forehead.  And I think at some point, a swarm of mosquitos may have snacked on his little face….and he must have been delicious by the looks of things.  I’ve seen him held in the arms of a nanny smiling at him and pinching his little cheeks while drool runs down his chin.  And the latest one has him holding a Happy  Mother’s Day sign.  I’ve seen his expressions.  He’s been smiling.  He’s been crying.  He’s been confused and uncomfortable and then the total opposite.  I’m getting to know him one picture at a time.

Friday was another unexpected day.  This time it brought news of travel plans moving up.  I first sat down and re-read the email.  Expect to travel between June 3 and 30.  Here is a brief snapshot of what ensued.  First, I told Warner.  I wandered around the house feeling like this morning just suddenly needed to be very productive, but not exactly sure in what way.  So two munchkins and I got in the car and went to the greenhouse….because potted plants are VERY important at a time like this….and we maybe got lost on the way even though I’ve been there many times before.  And maybe I ate an entire bag of chocolate covered pretzels.

We’ve got a lot going on right now.  We’re building a house.  I spend hours deciding on light fixtures and carpet and paint chips and then running to the plumber and then to the cabinet place and then back to the plumber.  Oh, and my husband is starting another farm.  And we’ll be moving in a few months and I don’t have a bed for Eden and school is coming to a close with field trips and end of school stuff.  And then I will have three energetic children to keep busy while packing for trips to Ethiopia in between dealing with cottage rentals.  And then…..

But, I’m ready for this nugget.  Friday’s news was great news.  I am excited to meet him….the living, breathing him.  Friday’s news was like a salve to my heart that already recognizes Judah as my son and knows the sooner he’s home, the better.  I’m going to rest in God’s timing.  I’M GOING TO REST IN GOD’S TIMING. 

But, he’s totally messing with me.

I know though that some read our news with mixed emotions.  I know some have been waiting….and waiting.  And I know how hard that it is.  I have waited.  Over the last 11 years, I have spent 8 of them waiting for one of my children.  I’ve drifted between spells of great peace and surrender, hands uplifted, turning the wait over to the One in charge.  This quickly followed up by brow-beating, hands-clenched, tears flowing with covers pulled up over my head wondering, “Why?  Why? WHY??” And then my favorite….organizing cupboards and closets and boxes of toys with a label maker because it makes me feel like I have control over one little corner of my life.  Waiting isn’t for pansies, people.

Can I just say to those of you waiting on something or someone that.... MY HEART KNOWS.   I share in your longing.   I have been there.  I have watched friends birth two or three children while I waited for my first.  I have sat through baby showers with a hurting heart and smile on my face.   I have wondered why if children are a blessing from the Lord, why isn’t he blessing me?  I have tried to figure out what the “lesson” I need to learn might be.  I have hugged those who traveled to far off places to bring home little brown babies SO WANTING TO DO THAT and knowing that my husband wasn’t ready.  I have closed the door to the nursery because some days were just that hard.  I have cried out, “WHERE ARE YOU?  I THOUGHT YOU CALLED ME TO THIS! WHY AREN’T YOU MAKING THIS HAPPEN? ”

I don’t know all the reasons for the wait.   But it has strengthened my character, faith, and passion.   It has given me opportunity to come alongside others drifting in a similar boat and say, “Keep rowing.  These waves will settle.”   It turned the idea of being a mom into a longing for a child. It has focused my attention on a world in need of redemption.   It has made me rethink my values, my needs, my wants, my pride.  It has forced me to give up control.  And ultimately I give you four, solid, undeniably clear and amazingly perfect reasons for my wait:

Hannah.

Luke.

Eden.

And now Judah.

Oh the beauty of retrospect.  For whatever reason, these children ended up in my bed on a Saturday morning fighting over who can get the closest to their mom.  I cannot wait to see what enfolds.  What is it about me that God gave me these kids?  For what future purpose?  What will be accomplished through them because of this home?  And here’s the thing.  It doesn’t matter if I ever even know.  God doesn’t have to fill me in.  I just trust there is a reason.  And for that, I would wait and wait all over again.

Over the last few months, a few songs have grounded me.  They’ve changed my anxious thoughts into moments of praise.  They’ve reminded me of my Focus.  They’ve soothed the soul.  These are some of my favorite lines:

I am the Lord your God.

I go before you now.

I stand beside you.

And I’m all around you.

Though you feel I’m far away,

I’m closer than your breath.

And I am with you

More than you know.

I am the Lord your Peace.

No evil will conquer you.

So steady now your hearts and mind.

Come into my rest.

And oh let your faith arise.

And lift up your weary head.

I am with you

Wherever you go.

Come to me.

I’m all you need.

Come to me.

I’m everything.

Come to me.

I’m all you need.

Come to me.

I’m your everything.

I am your anchor

In the wind and the waves.

And I am your steadfast

So don’t be afraid.

Though your heart and flesh may fail you.

I’m your faithful strength.

And I am with you

Wherever you go.

Come to me.

I’m all you need.

(Come To Me, by Jenn Johnson)….give it a listen.  It’s way better when she sings it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sY0Vz8fvIhE

May our eyes stay fixed on Him, waiters.  I’m fist pumping my chest in solidarity.